Song 1

I will not write about it. I promise I will not write about it.

I will not talk about it. I will never talk about it.

I will refer to it in passing, I will refer to it obliquely. Have I mentioned it? I will not repeat it.

I will not be destroyed by it. I will not be scarred by it. I will not think about it.

I will not. I have not. I cannot.

I will not let you touch me. I will not touch you. I will not do this. I will not let you do this. I will not be led. I will not be tricked.

fuck you! fuck you and your lies and your words and your orders! fuck you with your smell and the light draped across the floor so leisurely and the story you told me and the way my stomach my stomach drops so heavily and the light being eaten by the dark and the blackness in my head and the way i feel right now all weightless and floating in this memory. fuck you! you walked away from it and the gun in your hand i hope you felt it the darkness and i’ve spent my entire life in it and i’ve never ever escaped it

This time, I will not do it. I will not be spoiled by it.

This time.

I am not prey.

This time, I will walk into the room. I will walk into the room myself. I will walk into the room, I will walk into the room with the gun and I will tell the story. The story ends in darkness.

I will never, ever talk about it. I haven’t written about it. I cannot. I will not. I have not.