So it's almost Valentine's Day, and I am feeling more and more alone with every passing day. I'm not feeling the lack of a partner as much as I'm suffering from the lack of affection. Real physical affection, the kind that is only found in relationships. Intimacy. You might think I'm talking about sex exclusively, but I'm not. Sex is easy; sex is affection with a clear end goal, sex is something everyone can have, and everyone can get. We all have the tools of seduction at our disposal.
What I'm missing is the casual language of gesture and touch that exists in a relationship. The lingering tap on the shoulder, the slow lazy swing of hands and fingers that refuse to untwine, the way two bodies fit together in sleep. You become a fraction of the larger whole when you're in a relationship. The dance of your bodies never rests. You are like two planets in motion, circling the sun at a predetermined speed, like a planet and its moon tugging, pulling each other back and forth, an ellipse curling into itself.
Please. Isn't it just too poetic? Isn't it just too fucking precious for words?
Lust and love, they bring out the best and worst in me, sometimes.
What I would give to feel – to even remember, with real clarity – the touch of a person who desires me.
It doesn't matter how ugly I think I am on the outside, how little I suspect I deserve the affection of a man; I need love, and I need comfort, like anyone else.
I have sat in front of my computer for hours looking for a way to end this piece, something pithy, something that justifies my writing this. After staring at the screen waiting for the words to form themselves, I have decided to end with this.
You're not the only one feeling alone, and lonely, and lost, without a comforting touch on Valentine's day. I am alone too. If our fingers touch, briefly, if you happen to brush your hand across my leg or catch a strand of my hair on your lips – know that I feel it too, and my heart snags a bit at the memory of love, and lust sated.
0 comments:
Post a Comment